Discretion, Humor & Games
"Openly preach about a bomb that destroys mankind, but leaves Marks & Spencer intact, and you'll be called an 'individualist'; but display even a mild interest in rats, and eureka, you're nuts."
D. Brian Plummer
Tales of a Rat-Hunting Man
To download RATS! the game, click here.
One Tough Rat
Once there were these three rats sitting around talking how
macho they were. The first rats says to the other three:
"I can eat a whole box of rat poisoning and not get a buzz"
The other two rats were like "Whoa, that's some stunt"
The second rat says:
"Oh yeah? Well, I can pop the bar off a rat trap and
bench press it with no problem."
The other rats were like, "That is cool!"
So the last rat gets up and starts to walk away and the
other rat says, "Hey dude where are you going?"
The third rats turns around and says, " I'm off to screw
The Rat God of Chinatown
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San
Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he
discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture
is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner
what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner,
"and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the
story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the
bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store,
two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every
time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By
the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels,
and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon
breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements,
vacant lots, and abandoned cars.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the
waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full
tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously,
now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing
up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind
him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it
with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the
other, as far as he can heave it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in
amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the
sea, where they drown.
Shaking and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer?"
The Great "Slurian" Sewer Rat War
[The following joke is in .GSF format (Generic Slur Format);
substitute your favorite subnormal group as needed.]
The sewer rat situation in New York was getting intolerable; the rats
were multiplying like crazy and starting to do things like crawl up the
pipes and bite people in the butt while they sat on the toilet. The
Public Works Director decided it was time to declare all-out war on the
So he calls in the superintendent of the sewer system and tells him to
find five men who'd be willing to live in the sewers 24 hours a day
fighting rats. "Gee, boss," says the superintendent, "No one's going to
put up with those conditions." "No problem," says the Director. "Go
out and find five Slurians and draft them. They're used to that kind of
thing." The Director tells the superintendent to return with his men
in a week to report on battle progress, and the superintendent takes off.
A week later the superintendent shows up in the Director's office. He's
exhausted, bruised and scratched up, and all by himself. "I think we've
lost the war," he says.
"What?! Where's the five Slurians you drafted?" the Director asks.
"That's the problem," says the superintendent. "Three of them defected
to the enemy, and the other two have left the army to settle down with
the war brides they brought back!"
It has been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
God made lawyers because there are some things a white rat won't do.
The problem with the rat race is, even if you win, you're still a rat. - Lily Tomlin
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